Wednesday, December 7, 2011


So have you ever been letdown by the same person over and over again? I have and it sucks ass. So how do you fix this? Talk to them about it and hope the problem doesn't persist. What about if it does though? Then you can cut ties. There are people in my life who have lied to me and disappointed me over and over again. I give out second, third, fourth, and even in some cases twentieth chances but at a point in time enough is enough. I've hit that point with someone who is extremely close to me. Now I'm giving up. Firing them from my life because they've put other things over me one too many times. I can handle this with maturity except for two facts: A.) They live with me (till the end of the year at least). B.) My best friend is siding with them. So what do I do when I've had enough? Do I keep on with the suffering and keep my mouth shut or do I stand up for myself and risk losing my BFF? God, why do you put so many challenges in front of me? I can only handle so much and all this hurt is turning me viscous and bitter... I hate it.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

About a boy... and a wedding.

I really should watch that movie lol. Anyway so my night didn't end up sucking ass anyway. My only problem is not listening to my heart. I made up with the bestie and she doesn't seem mad at me but now we're planning her wedding. Just need to find the groom. She says she wants a wedding. Too bad she's 1) not even 16 and 2) single. Plus she wants to wait 10 years. So I have a while to help her plan, that might just push me up the list to maid of honor. And the other part of my horrible night replied making me realize that the answer to my awkward question to him was looking me straight in the eye. We ended things on a deep fried pickle note and I left it at my goofy side. But I realized how the hell am I gonna get to know this guy if I tell him the words other people put in my mouth. I want him to know me. Straightforward, sarcastic, sometimes bitter but mainly sweet, oddball, awkward me. Not the girl my friends try to make me sound like on Facebook. I learn from my own mistakes and honestly I don't want my biggest boy mistake to be him, but I'm not changing myself for that to happen. I'll let him know the real me.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

F------uck = Firetruck

Today I've hit a low. It sucks ass. I hurt my bestfriend and got the boy I am totally crushing over to stop talking to me. My week was awesome til now. I have gone a week without freaking out. Although I'm not now I still feel like shit. I told a guy to like my best friends profile pic nut ended up telling her the truth. She's upset. Then I asked this guy I have the hots for why he was single. It is the exact definition of word-vomit. Watch Mean Girls... Well goodbye good week hello bittersweet.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Plain 'Ole Super Stressed Out High School Senior. . . Just Add Frequent Panic Attacks

Today me and my family celebrated Thanksgiving... Take note it is Black Friday and not the actual Thanksgiving. This included non-relatives, stupid teenage tantrums, someone showing up when we're all finished eating, football (which I kinda think I hate by the way), and of course food beyond the stomachs capacity. I didn't eat a hole lot because I had a horrible stomach ache going into the whole thing. Then I found out that my seester (not exactly a sister) is gonna be an extra on one of my favorite shows. It really isn't that I'm not happy for her. I'm thrilled, I even offered her to borrow a dress since she needs FIVE! Crazy, right? Anyway, as I was saying I'm so happy for her, but honestly I'm jealous, secretly everyone has a hidden dream, mine is to be an actress. It sorta hurts. But I really am happy for her cause I love her and everyone deserves their star moment. It sucks knowing I'm 8 months away from being old enough. That and my horrible stomach ache calls for the first break down. Then my social anxiety from being in a crowded room, my hyperventilating from laughter of my mom attacking Katy, and some harsh insults I had coming but wasn't up to caused my second meltdown. That was all I really needed, but the night ended (so far) on a higher note. I watched a few movies with just my mom and my brother, had some apple cider, and a conversation about school, the future, and my attitude lately. I realized though... this is my life. It is normal, in a way that all seniors in high school face. They all deal with deadlines, homework, grades, jobs, home pressure, friends, boyfriends, applications, scholarships, and well... life. It sucks but at least in some bizarre way I am getting some form of normalness, through out all this. It is kind of refreshing.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Bloggers Block

So for an insane amount of time I've been wanting to post a blog about... well that seems to be the problem. Anytime I have an idea for a blog I feel like I'm just going to bitch about my life. I don't want my blog to be a pessimistic view of my life. I want it to be a journal of my journeys! A diary of my Dares. A telling of my truths. A tale of my talks and my thoughts. But nothing sad. Now all my posts are from the view of a depressed smartass teenager. Not to mention I'm preaching to a very empty choir. Plus I just found out Tate is the baby daddy of Vivs unknown Rubber Man lovechild. But this is gonna change as a become an adult. As I form bonds with new people and start my life. 1st good thing: I'm almost finished with my TAMUCC application. I just need to figure out a way around my writers block so I can figure out a way to write damn good essays for the scholarships I'm applying to.

Oh well now back to feeding my American Horror Story addiction.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tumbl-ing into my life

As I start/continue the beginning of the end of high school, I try to catch up from a two week long stomach bug, soothing my 2 week long period, and dealing with the horrible bi-polar Texas weather. While looking up a quote I'm still clueless to the meaning of, I stumbled upon the Tumblr account of someone with pictures practically telling the story of my sad existence. I've decided to share the best with you. (Whoever you are.)

It really stinks how true this is. I worry. And worry. And then I worry some more. And for what? Stress, acne, and hysterical fits.

If they actually had these I would get the world's biggest most non-lethal dosage possible. I wonder if it makes you grow boobs too?

Sometimes I REALLY think this is true to me. Sadly :-/

And the truth is EXACTLY this. I'll create art and read all day. But I really want someone to look me in the eyes and kiss me on lips and love me.

I'm sick of my tiny lil' Texas town but on the bright side I found a college that I think will really suit me :-) (And it is a LOT closer to my price range.)

Everyone's two favorite families... morphed into one. Nothing to do with me just amazing.

Pongo and Perdita... the world's cutest couple. What I want in my future.

Well I'm getting sleepy but you should check out this video:

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Rainy Days... just add water... please!

So Austin is pretty much in a drought right now. Even cloudy days like today bring in less water then Mr. T watching sappy love stories. From the moment I woke up it was one of "those" days. My nicely picked out outfit started off my seemingly endless tragic day. As I squeezed my skinnies on I prayed they would miraculously loosen. Somehow my prayer went unanswered. My shirt too was too tight and not even in the sexy way just in the you can't breathe way. When I took my morning meds I dropped the only one that could possibly kill my dogs and didn't find it until much much later. This was all before I got out of bed. Lacking in energy I didn't even bother brushing my teeth (gross I know). My day went okay until I took a science pre-test reminding me of exactly how much I hate science. Then at lunch my care-taker brought me a chicken sandwich and as I sat waiting for my friends it dawned on me they weren't coming. Then I preceded in pouring honey-mustard on myself and getting diet coke instead of the regular I had asked for. My neck was aching and my aide at school had chided me for being late to class. A class that has a total of 4 students. We were supposed to work in groups *sigh*. I left early due to my psychiatrist appointment who I preceded to yell at. And burst into tears. My mom and my live-in caretaker/big sister got in a slight trifle due to her use of the 45,000 mile van that has to be under 50,000 in order for me to drive it. This is what my big sister likes to do chores in when she could use our car. Things went okay for a little while while I watched the outrageously cute movie Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules. Then I got pissed at my friend for doing what I like to call playing favorites although she was probably just playing. And finally exit with me being a bitch to my other caregiver. So after holding my breath all day, getting ditched, and growing slowly closer to not being able to drive my day is ALMOST over. Now I'm sticky, sad, and stuck-up. Writing helps but it also makes me think I have shitty friends, an angry family, and a guy I have fallen over who is sweet, cute, AND smart... and just wants to be friends... again... FML.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Grieving over the Gone

About 3 months ago my first and oldest dogs bit someone who patted her sore hip giving her fear and discomfort. That someone was our ten year old neighbor who was over watching my younger female dogs puppies. She bit her in the mouth. Blood streamed down her chin but she said she was okay, her parents ended up taking her to the ER where they had to call animal control to house her for a week to make sure she didn't have any diseases. That night me my mom and my step-dad had a "family discussion." We talked about how she was old and we could not chance it happening again. They left the decision up to me. We were going to put her down. My step-dad said I was mature for making that decision but really I was just fearing how she might go. She was a big dog with a short lifespan. I didn't want to wake up to a dead dog one morning or go to pet her and not feel her warm breath on my hand as she gave me a kiss. After her ten day stay at the pound she would come home one night and we'd all say are goodbye's. Her departure would be the next morning. She had a one way ticket to doggie heaven. I didn't cry. I never cried over those things but the tears just sat in my eyes as if there was a barrier blocking their way down my cheeks. The day she was supposed to come home I got a call from my mom saying she smelled putrid. She felt like throwing up. I said it was ok to just bring her to the vet... get it over with. And that is exactly what she did. Now I felt nauseous. 3 months later and I still feel my good-bye isn't over. I regret saying I couldn't watch the pups bringing my neighbor over. I regret not warning her of her hip pain before it was too late. I regret believing she was ok when I asked. I regret not coming along with my mom to pick her up when she asked. But there was nothing I could do about it now. She was gone and all I could do was look back on the time we spent together. Some people would say who cares about a dog. Well she was more than a dog or a pet. She was a friend and a great one at that. She was an amazing listener. She taught me things. And she was as sweet as a Louisiana strawberry. Sometimes in the silence you can still hear her collar rattling as she prances down the hallway. I love her... and I always will.
R.I.P. Jazzy Jazmine Jazzmataz Walters/Garrott. Always in my heart.
Good girl.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


The summer halfway point has passed and reality was setting in. Things were changing. But with a tighter grip on the changes that were going down. I was NOT letting this year desipate into a strong negative reaction. No I was going to take life by the balls because I officially have seniority status. Forget the chance of getting into homecoming royalty or prom or even graduation. I have one more time to get this sucker right. And I am NOT wasting it. This will be my year whether or not it wants to be. Maybe just maybe I'll find a guy who is mature enough to look past the wheels. Forget 100% of my energy going through school. I'll take the easy track. Now I'll be smoothly on my way up the social latter. Just watch.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Objection overruled!

How fair is judgement? In my life I have had an unjust amount of times where I have not been chosen for something because of the chair placed on my ass. Sure I can't quite move the same way everyone else does or lift my hands in the air but why can't I find a way AROUND the problems that face me. I hate it. Someone close to me was denied being on a dance team because she has clear braces. What does that have to do with the way she dances? Absolutely nothing. I know that life isn't fair but when I heard this it really hit close to home. Dance is this person's life. She is brave and lives for her ability to move her body in a creative manor. And she is denied joining the team because she has practically clear braces. Life really isn't fair. She won't let me send hate mail to the team. I would do it in a heartbeat though because when life hands you lemons you squirt them in life's eyes. Screw you dance team!

Friday, April 8, 2011



Friday, January 7, 2011

Competing for my love

While I sit at my computer taping away my stepdad is in the other room watching the school I want to go to battle my best-friends top pick on thee 100 yard line. I don't watch football. Plain. Simple. My friend moves from our other computer to the t.v. continuously. My stepdad and caretaker save their sacred seats in front of the game. And it all goes on while an epic battle goes on in the cowboy stadium. My team is winning. But what about the battle in my college pick list? Is it going to cut it? I guess we will have to see...

To be continued...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Stir Crazy

So you know the feeling when you are stuck in the house for days on end and can't leave for some reason? My life is that feeling. I left the house briefly on New Years Eve but other than that I have been stuck indoors. When school get back I'll feel a little better but I think that it is my lack of people to hang out with. I have a few friends but I don't feel like I have a lot of opportunities to hang out with people outside of school. But the point is everyone should get out some. Cause no one wants to be "stir crazy."